when to say “no” or “not now” - a buddhist approach to skillfully setting boundaries.

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Published on August 24, 2011 by Toni Bernhard, J.D. in Turning Straw Into Gold

The Buddha didn't talk about setting boundaries. It's a decidedly 20^th-21^st Century concept. The Internet is full of articles on how to say "no" or "not now." I'm going to address the question of when to say them.

As I reflected on the best way to assess if it's time to set a self-protective boundary, the Buddha's teachings on wise speech came to mind. In essence, he cautioned us to speak only when what we have to say is true, kind, and helpful. Wise speech is one of the factors on the Buddha's eightfold path to the cessation of suffering. What we say matters because speech that is true, kind, and helpful alleviates suffering as opposed to intensifying it.

In setting wise boundaries—that is, in deciding if it's time to say "no" or "not now"—I suggest applying a variation of the Buddha's three-part test: Apply the test of true, kind, and helpful to the effect of your speech and actions on yourself.

Is it true to yourself? Ask yourself if the speech or action you're about to engage in is true to your values. Are you going to say or do something because of social pressure or just because it will impress others? I spent a good part of my younger years speaking and acting in just this way, even if it didn't reflect my deepest values, and I suffered for it. (I once smiled in implied assent to a racist comment because the speaker had contributed money to my husband's political campaign; although it happened 25 years ago, I can still feel the self-incrimination arise as I write this.)

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