A Deeper Healing: The Challenge of Chronic Illness

Illness is seen as the enemy - a thief in the night coming to steal away our busy, productive lives.

To see that there is a purpose to suffering is not to romanticise it but it does make it more bearable.

By Vicki McKenna

Several years ago life was getting hectic for me as a working mum of four young daughters and as an acupuncturist running a practice at home in Edinburgh and commuting to a second practice in Glasgow. A major house move proved to be the proverbial last straw and I found my health breaking down. I had been experiencing various aches and pains along with an unrelenting fatigue for some time previous to the move but now the symptoms flared up seriously and severely. I sipped foul tasting Chinese herbs, rested, meditated and experienced a taste of my own medicine by having acupuncture. I swallowed vast quantities of vitamins pills, thought positively, got in touch with my feelings and in short did all that I could to get well. Some months later - still unwell and now, after the house move, chronically fatigued, I was labeled an ME sufferer by my GP.

Polio was back to haunt me

It was then I remembered having read something about post-polio syndrome in the past and started to research as much as I could about the subject. I had contracted polio as a baby but like most polio survivors I ignored my disability and got on with my life. Now it seemed that, as for thousands of other survivors world-wide, polio was back to haunt me and I was developing the symptoms typical of the late effects of the disease : fatigue, weakness and other neurological disturbances. These revealed that my central nervous system, which had seemingly made a full recovery from childhood polio was in fact struggling to function.

Elizabeth Kubhler-Ross writes about the first stage of bereavement being denial and I think this could be applied to the first stage of illness. Certainly for me denial was the immediate reaction to the realisation that I was chronically ill. I have experienced poor health in the past but sheer bloody mindedness has always seen me through and pushed me on. Suddenly these tactics did not work. My body now rebelled if I did too much with joint pains, headaches, and overwhelming fatigue. I was very frightened but battled on refusing to slow down and acknowledge these symptoms. Weeks of frustration followed as I felt somehow that my luck had run out and this time I was not going to bounce back.

My life dramatically altered during this time. I had to cut back on work and play and it has not been easy to accept that this is how it needs to be. Slowly I have come to a place of acceptance which has strengthened my understanding of illness - my own and that of others who experience this crucible of ill health. I also have a clearer picture of the western approach to illness and how this differs from the oriental approach.

It seems that western medicine looks for the instant cure and seemingly works well with acute illnesses-for example bacterial infection is successfully treated with antibiotics. It is also extremely adept at dealing with acute injuries sustained in accidents. However, modern medicine has its limitations. When I experienced chronic illness I, like many others, longed for this kind of “quick fix” but soon came to see that this approach is useless when it comes to long-term illness. Western medicine is at a loss when faced with illnesses such as ME and post polio syndrome and although there are treatments to help ease the symptoms there are no instant cures. Thus chronic illness challenges us to look beyond the quick fix and leads us towards a profound need to be healed -not necessarily cured.

The goal of Western medicine seems to be to blast disease out of existence and I think medics feel thwarted and embarrassed at their apparent “failure” when it comes to chronic illness. The intention of, for example, chemotherapy and radiotherapy is to bomb and blitz cancer in the battlefield of the sick body but when it comes to chronic diseases medics so often feel frustrated and helpless.

Living like machines

Frequently illness is seen as the enemy - a thief in the night coming to steal away our busy, productive lives. Chronic disease is seen as a threat to productivity and a sick person is perceived as one who is not able to contribute to the whole. The vulnerable pack of cards we call “society” is threatened by illness and fears it may tumble down. How many times have we experienced the GP hastily scrawl out a prescription so that we may return, post-haste, to work.

Feeling threatened by the thought of illness we put the chains on the door to protect ourselves by doubling our dose of vitamin C, exercising frantically and eating fibre morning, noon and night. We suppress the first sign of a cold with a dose of aspirin and carry on with a purposeful air. This repressive attitude towards sickness comes I believe from our modern culture which has no place for the weak or slow in the twenty-first century scheme of things. Life in the present day is lived at a hectic pace. We have to be seen to be achieving at home, at school, at work, in all aspects of life and productivity is the great god to be worshipped. In this way we often live like machines and western medicine possibly reflects this as it strives to make hasty repairs always trying to attain the quick cure whilst ignoring the need for deeper healing to take place.

The Cartesian view of the universe - that mechanistic, scientific view widely held by medicine today, looks at the body as a machine that can be repaired. And who would not want to be “fixed“ if it meant feeling fit and well again? The instant cure is very seductive - to be healthy is something no one would spurn and yet chronic diseases are here and are not always “fixable“. Further more there is a price to be paid for this quick fix approach. When we see the body as a machine that is broken and needs mending we ignore the possibility that sickness is a cryptic message sifting up through the symptoms of blood, sweat and tears to tell us that we are out of balance in our lives. We ignore this at our peril. When symptoms are superficially alleviated the message is crushed beneath the surface only to rise again at some future time and place of illness.

Taking stock

Illness can be seen as an opportunity for us to take stock and, ultimately, be healed by processing all that is going on in our lives and cultivating a more balanced, mindful way of living - one that will bring us greater peace. Older more traditional societies have encouraged this kind of appraisal and have seen illness as a time to open to healing by going on spiritual retreats. This then becomes an opportunity for quiet introspection based on the understanding that illness is a sacred space for inner work to be done so that healing may come from the core of our being. This means that the goal becomes healing rather than curing and whether the body is “fixed“ or not is irrelevant. It is then a bonus to find the body rejuvenated but it is not the primary aim.

To see that there is a purpose to suffering is not to romanticise it but it does make it more bearable and, hopefully, understandable. I believe that we are all part of a web of Life - each a part of the whole. It seems to me possible that Life chooses for some of us to be active, healthy achievers in order for work to be done out in the world. It could also be possible that Life chooses for some others of us to be sick in order that deeper work of growth is done on behalf of the collective.

Through my own experiences of ill health I have come to realise how important it is to let go of pushing and achieving and instead acknowledge and value the world as a place to simply appreciate - full of potential delight. Although not “cured” of my particular problem I feel deeply healed as I have found purpose in the experience of ill health and recognize that it has given me the opportunity to cultivate what the Buddhists call “Mindfulness”.

Mindfulness and acceptance

Mindfulness involves letting go of old conditioned attitudes and perceptions in order to relax, acknowledge and appreciate what is and so allow a true healing to occur. The Buddha over two thousand years ago talked of attachment as the root of all suffering. When we crave and become attached to the idea of the quick cure we may find our suffering increases. Buddhism suggests that freedom from suffering arises when we let go of wanting things to be different from how they are and instead move towards an acceptance of what is. This means a calming of the fearful and frenzied mind so that it may value, appreciate and be healed by whatever life brings.

When we let go of the craving to be cured and instead start to trust and feel confident that there is enjoyment to be found in the small details of life - a conversation with a friend, the warm smell of the dinner cooking, the play of sunlight on leaves then we are letting go to be healed by and in a calm appreciation of this moment. When we do this we are giving the body and mind the chance to deeply relax and in this space healing can take place as we start to flow with the energy of life rather than against it. This then is the opportunity of illness - the chance to be mindful of the moment so that the human system may become rested and harmonized. We may not find the instant cure for our ailment - but a process of healing has started by this letting go to relax and focus on absorbing the every day pleasures that are accessible in the here and now.

This attitude of “Mindfulness” does not mean ignoring or repressing the darker side of the psyche. We may feel angry, sad or fearful when we experience chronic illness. As the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron says; “ if its painful, learn to hold your seat and move closer to that pain.” In other words she suggests that we face and accept fully our “negative” feelings for it is only by embracing them that our hearts can be opened and a sense of well being, of peacefulness can be accessed.

The meaning of life

Chronic illness gives us the time and space to reflect on and understand a little more about the purpose and the meaning of our lives. For myself - I have been dealt a particular hand of cards and I am grateful that it has given me the opportunity to learn to open my heart to the moment and so smell the roses (and the manure!) along the way. The simple pleasures of enjoying the summer rain or soaking in a deep hot bath can be lost in a busy world whose prime concern often seems to be the cultivation of the material rather than the spiritual. And on the days when symptoms of chronic illness loom large and fill us with sadness or anger we can choose to feel healed even when we are not cured, simply by opening to our pain and by letting our experience be so that it may transform us. This is a choice still available to us in spite of everything and by opening to and accepting what is we can discover a deep sense of well being that is a true and lasting healing.

Daily I still take my herbs and vitamins and gently practice chi gung but the difference now is that I am no longer straining to find the cure for chronic illness and instead have learned to focus on living mindfully to accept and appreciate my life as it is. As a bonus I find my health much improved and, by pacing activities and cultivating a simpler life style I am able to work part time. With chronic illness the painful feelings of sorrow and loss can be there but so too are the gifts - time to enjoy the companionship of family and friends, listening to music, appreciating silence, absorbing the glory of nature. And it is through all of these-pleasurable and painful sensations - by relaxing and accepting them without clinging or pushing them away, that we come to know a deeper healing.