lotusinthemud

spiritual bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality.

 

Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one’s negativity or shadow elements, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.

 

The explosion of interest in spirituality, especially Eastern spirituality, since the mid-1960s has been accompanied by a corresponding interest and immersion in spiritual bypassing—which has, however, not very often been named, let alone viewed, as such. It has been easier to frame spiritual bypassing as a religion-transcending, spiritually advanced practice/perspective, especially in the facile fast-food spirituality that infects our times. Many of the features of this, such as its drive-through servings of reheated wisdom like “Don’t take it personally” or “Whatever bothers you about someone is really only about you” or “It’s all just an illusion,” are available for consumption and parroting by just about anyone.

you are already accepted

In accepting yourself, you’re simply agreeing to the fact that you are already accepted by the entire universe, just as you are.

~ Ruben L. F. Habito, “Be Still & Know”

Forgiveness is not a concept. It’s a process

Forgiveness is not a concept. It’s a process. And, if you choose not to forgive at the end of that process, it doesn’t mean that you are unhealed. It doesn’t mean that you are a lesser human. It doesn’t mean you are not spiritual or evolved. It doesn’t mean you will come back in the next lifetime to live it out again. It may just mean that forgiveness is not actually in your integrity. The assumption that forgiving the abuser is the benchmark of a completed emotional and karmic process is the mistake. The real benchmark of resolution is whether you have gone through your emotional process authentically and have arrived at a place where the negative charge around the experience has dissipated. Perhaps you will learn some lessons, or perhaps you will eventually be legitimately liberated from the memories. Perhaps you will work it through so completely that you have very little energetic charge around the events. Or perhaps you will actually realize that forgiveness is not essential to your healing, and not your responsibility. The point is that focusing on our responsibility to forgive a wrongdoer sidetracks the whole process. Your sole responsibility is to arrive at whatever destination is true to you.

~ Jeff Brown

Encoded in the darkness is the revelation of the light

Encoded in the darkness is the revelation of the light. Seeing darkness is a form of illumination. As Jung reminds us, we become enlightened by making the darkness conscious. Protecting the abuser, though seemingly in the service of the powers of darkness, is, paradoxically, at the same time potentially revealing the darkness, and hence ultimately an expression of the light. It is as if the light needs the darkness in order to reveal itself, for not only is the darkness revealed through the light, but the light is revealing itself through the darkness.

~ Paul Levy, 'Dispelling Wetiko'

Honen’s “One-Page Document”

Honen’s “One-Page Document”:

On January 23, 1212, just two days before his death, Honen, the founder of Japanese Pure Land Buddhism, was asked by his disciple Genchi to provide a record of his essential teaching. The result was the Ichimai-kishomon, or “One-Page Document.”

What does it say? 

It says to recite the nembutsu and believe in the Pure Land — that is all. That is why in Japan it has been called “easy practice.” “Easy” because, unlike “hard practices” such as Zen, it can be done without prior study. Easy because it can be performed by anyone, anywhere, at any time. But then, things aren’t always what they seem.

In reality, “hard practice” is easy; “easy practice” is hard.

Think of it this way: It is not so difficult to believe that, with many years of meditation practice, you might eventually become enlightened — if only somewhat. In theory at least, it makes a kind of sense. After all, “You get what you pay for.” Thus, “hard practice” is easy. It is easy because you can believe in it. Easy because you can justify it with the same cause-and-effect logic you apply to the world.

overcoming codependency: breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beattie

:: link

From a young age, I felt insecure in my own skin. I was a highly sensitive child and, subsequently, struggled with low self-worth for most of my life.

Although I had many friends and a good family, I consistently looked for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representations of my core worth.

As a teenager, I witnessed the crumbling and eventual demise of my parents’ marriage. During these years, I felt a lot like an island.

I was often plagued with a dark, mysterious unhappiness. The standard teenage growing pains conglomerated with the trauma of losing my familial identity. In a desperate attempt to counter these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others; when it was not provided, I felt like a failure.

I was caught up in vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that I was good enough.

At school, I adopted the role of boy-crazy-funny-girl. I wanted to be adored and nurtured and cherished.

I kept a list of all the cute boys at my school and spent hours daydreaming about a blissful, fairy tale love.

I consistently focused on seeking happiness outside of myself. This habitual practice, over time, led to an inability to be content unless something or someone was providing validation. Most of the time, I felt like I was not good enough.

This falsely instilled belief led me into a decade-long struggle with codependency.

The first codependent relationship I was involved in began when I was nineteen. He was ten years older than I was, and, unbeknownst to me at the time, a cocaine addict.

there was truth and there was untruth

“Being in a minority, even in a minority of one, did not make you mad. Tthere was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.”

~ George Orwell

one breath at a time - awareness of breathing

This week, at odd moments in the day and for a period while you are sitting or lying, rest the hand lightly on the diaphram or abdomen and notice the movement as the breath goes in and out.

Breathing in, I am aware that I am breathing in

Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out 

(*Thich Nhat Hanh)

Reflect on the fact that we can control the breath - holding it, breathing faster or slower - but only for short periods at a time. How fortunate that we do not have to be focused at all times in order to breathe! However we may feel at any time - well, ill, joyful, sad, worried, relaxed - our breathing has continued from the moment of our birth right up to this present moment and, for the most part, without our active input into the process.  

Spend a few moments contemplating how precious, vital, each breath is to you - imagine for a moment how you would feel if the next breath was to be your last. Allow yourself to feel gratitude for the process of breathing:

Breathing in, my body is nurtured

Breathing out, I give thanks for my breath

a very simple loving-kindness meditation

To add to Monday Metta, or at any other time::

When you start the practice and at times when you feel you can only manage a little.....perhaps as you light your candle...here is a simple loving-kindness meditation:

As you breathe in – cherish yourself


As you breathe out – cherish all beings

If you find it difficult to feel that you are caring for yourself, just lay a hand gently on your heart region as you think or say these phrases. You can use them when you sit for dedicated times of meditation practice. You can also use them as a 'post it note' practice. Maybe you'd like to write them out and stick them up somewhere you can see them, to remind you throughout the day.

Some thoughts on difficult people - or dealing with people when there’s a difficulty between you

Pureland Buddhism teaches that we are all foolish beings - bombu - fully human, inclined to make mistakes, doing our best - maybe, sometimes not doing our best. Imperfect, inclined to ‘greed, hate and delusion’. With habit energies, habitual ways of seeing things, of interpreting, of reacting. Influenced by our history and by current circumstances and people around us. Run around by what is unconscious in us, by our shadows.

Yes, we are bombu.

Other people are bombu, too. So we look at them and we listen and we, eventually, learn to concede, ‘I am of the nature to…do that, say that’, too. These other people are not different to us. Maybe  we would act that way in similar circumstances…and we don’t fully know what’s bugging them today. The headache, the bills that they can’t afford to pay, the child who kept them awake all night.

They say That Thing - maybe we overreact, or freeze. Maybe we even see ourselves as we are doing so, but think we cannot stop ourselves. Whose voice is it we hear when they speak in that tone to us? We can reflect on this. Feel, yes, in this instance my reaction is justified or, I was wrong - feel some remorse. Perhaps I’m the difficult person....? Hmm. Do we need time out to reflect? Is that an option? Could I practice reacting differently the next time X happens?

So, we have different parts of us reacting in different ways to a situation. Different voices within. Can we listen to them, know where they are coming from? Which is the bullied or overlooked child? Which is our angry parent? Which is our own inner critic or tyrant? Which is a wise voice to listen to? 

If one of our inner voices is reminding us of Buddhist wisdom, yes, do listen. But do also be aware of the voice that says ‘A *good* Buddhist would…..’ or 'It wouldn't be very Buddhist to....'. The one that cares about how we look. The one that undermines other voices of experience. The one that could make us freeze. We do not have to be walked over. We do not have to allow ourselves or others to be abused, while wanting to be seen as a Nice Buddhist. Are we feeling the need to conform, to fit an ideal image, to please others? That stance is actually ego-driven and not authentic, although we may hate to admit that to ourselves. 

An important voice to consider, along with all the others, is your gut wisdom. The body knows things we do not allow our intellect to concede. Question it but do not be too hasty to override it. 

It’s always important to speak up on behalf of the oppressed, for example. We probably all have privileges that allow that. Otherwise power and greed will prevail. Look at the changes during the last 2 centuries when slavery has (mostly, officially) been abolished, more people can vote, trade unions have supported people, there are safety regulations in factories, women can take out mortgages and own property - and their own bodies. Work in progress which wouldn’t have started without people speaking out for themselves and others. I would have added racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia decreasing, and up to a point, they are, although there’s a disturbing resurgence. 

Even when we've found as much wisdom within that we can tap into, whatever we say, we may not influence the person in front of us - it is for them to hear or to choose not to. But maybe a small seed has been planted, maybe it’s not for us to know when it will start to sprout. 

But also - be willing to listen. Ask yourself whether the other person has a valid point. There’s some reason for them speaking or acting in that way. Be willing to imagine walking in their shoes. Be willing to look inward. Be willing to have been wrong. Don’t compound a past mistake of your own by protecting it to the death. 

Remember, too, however, that not everybody is bombu in a human making-mistakes fashion. Sadly there are amongst us, commonly seen in positions of power, those with personality disorders, addictions or huge greed who are happy to manipulate us to their own ends. Oblivious or uncaring of the havoc they create. Possibly welcoming and creating it. Often honing in on the vulnerable and kind hearted. It’s wise to be wary and not necessarily ascribe to others one’s own ideals, even knowing we can’t live up to them ourselves. The news is full of such charismatic leaders, who often have very dark sides and who consort with dark people. That charism can carry thousands of followers along with them, seemingly mesmerised. This century and last, along with historical times, has many of such stories. Don’t let others ‘get away with murder’. There may be others who need us to speak out, to stand against the stream, to stand shoulder to shoulder with them. 

So yes, try to avoid being swept away by knee jerk reactions. And, yes, ‘hate or repudiate the action and not the actor’, for whom we can have fellow feeling and some compassion - if they act badly there will be some consequence. Remember that even Shakyamuni was willing to speak sternly when the circumstance required it. Even to walk away, leaving his monks to argue amongst themselves, when they wouldn’t listen - preferring to spend time with the animals in the forest! 

Ask yourself - what’s your motivation? Mistakes will be made but motivation is important.

Realise that some inner conflicts cannot be resolved - this may be our koan.

If only we were enlightened! If only we could see the future - could know the consequences of acting this way or that, or of not acting at all!  Unfortunately only a Buddha will do the right thing in each circumstance. And we are not Buddhas.