lotusinthemud

depression is frozen feeling

Depression is frozen feeling. It's not a disease of the mind. It is sourced in unexpressed, unreleased, and unhealed pain that is held deep within the physical and emotional body. You can talk about it in therapy to soften its edges, you can medicate it in the hope that it becomes more manageable, but the real work has to happen somatically, deep within the body itself. The frozen material has to be thawed out, worked through, released. Our shadow is not our enemy. Repression is. Unfortunately, we still live in a world that is afraid of the source material. So we shun it, bury it, 'manage' it with dissociative spiritualities, medications and feelings-avoidant psychoanalysis. All this merely perpetuates and concretises the problem. The only way to heal depression is to get to its roots. To get right inside those frozen feelings, and thaw them out somatically. We felt the initial pain in our bodies. We must go right back inside of our bodies to feel and resolve it. No more damming up of our emotions. No more defences and denials. THE FEEL IS FOR REAL. Let's feel our way back to life. 

~ Jeff Brown, from 'Hearticulations'

Walking away from Ordination

In November I left my Buddhist Order - the explanation is related to what Faran writes in their post:

 :: here  

For about 4 or more years, I was dedicated to becoming a priest in a particular Pure Land tradition of Buddhism. In the Summer of 2020, I was invited to become an ordained member of a Buddhist order. However, I stopped short of the goal when I found that the head of the order at the time was not affirming to trans people such as myself.

It started when I messaged him about being nonbinary and that my pronouns at the time were they/them. His response was far from accepting, particularly when he refused to use my pronouns. I then had another conversation with the deputy head of the order which was not encouraging as she spoke of not wanting to encourage something that was an illusion. In the midst of this, I also told some close friends in the order about my experience with the head and one of them reached out to him. Soon an conflict ignited that brought up other issues within the community, resulting in members leaving the order.

 

Photo by Silvia Rita

 

After some careful thought, I wrote to the deputy head and declined the order’s invitation to ordain me as I know longer saw the community as a safe place for trans people. I left the community within weeks of ordination, heartbroken. Since then, I’ve tried to get back to practice and that has not been easy. I realized that much of my practice was tied to a sense priestly duty that I hadn’t really been conscious of before. Without it, I found little reason to perform the rituals, particularly because many of those rituals were connected to a community to which I no longer associate with. Now, I’m floundering to do something that once felt natural. The consequence of spiritual malpractice among those called teachers is a pain that is hard to describe.

My transition has also changed my views on ordination. The person who wanted to be a priest died when I put down the old mask of forced masculinity. Now, I just want to go hiking, play video games, wear makeup, and live. However, my training gave me skills. I still love to read scripture. I also still feel an urge to reach out to anyone who might be struggling on their own path, even if it’s just to be there for them and listen.

I remember that the early lay community of Buddhists was just as involved in ministry as the monastics. In fact, the Buddha said that it was beneficial for lay folks to befriend other lay folks and learn from them. They didn’t need to have a priestly or monastic position. The Buddha called all beneficial spiritual relationships admirable friendship, a term that was applied to both monastics and laity. A person took on such relationships are known as a kalyanamitra or admirable friend.

I’m not sure how admirable I am but I do like to try to be a friend to the extent that I can. Although my dreams of priesthood are gone, I still have a ministry. Slowly, I’m getting back to it.

I’m glad that at least I have an affinity to a “simple” practice and grateful that Buddha is not bound by human form unlike some very human teachers. Buddha’s body is the Dharma and, though it’s hard to meet sometimes, it takes form in light, wind, and the emptiness from which all things arise and to which all things fall. It’s like trying to find a particular flower and then, once spotted, you find that flower everywhere in the field.

Not only does Buddha take form in the phenomena of nature but also the phenomena of friendship. In fact, I have a circle of comrades who recognize my achievements and vouch for my ministry. One of them, a former member of the order, gave me my religious name, Karunamala (Garland of Compassion). I also have many non-Buddhist and non-religious friends who have been a wonderful source of support. Inside and outside the tradition, I’ve been blessed to know wonderful beings who show me that kindness is still powerful in a world that can be rather unkind.

They are among the most beautiful of flowers.

Amitabha

 

Faran Lee Elowyn is a trans nonbinary femme (they/she) and self-styled Pure Land Buddhist friend whose ministry includes nembutsu, meditation, and spiritual support. They are a member of the Amitabha Fellowship group of Buddhist leaders, completed Champlaincy training at Amida Academy, and became a recently enrolled graduate student in Strategic Communications at the University of Maryland Global Campus.

:: link to original post

Remembering Amrita

Today is the 15th anniversary of the death of my astonishing friend and Dharma sister, Amrita.

Here is the obituary that Caroline Brazier wrote:

The Rev Linda Amrita Dhammika, who has died aged 50 from an asthma attack*, spent her life working for the destitute, the sick, and for animals, principally in Africa.

Her mission culminated in the founding of the Tithandizane primary health care project at Kamulaza, Zambia, which she built from 1997 onwards into a thriving centre serving 72 villages. Five hectares of land were made available; charity grants were found; villagers contributed labour; and five buildings were constructed. Today, the centre provides medical care, training, counselling and community services.

Linda Dolan, as she was born, grew up in Eccles, Manchester, trained as a laboratory technician and qualified as a teacher in 1978. Doing VSO in Nigeria (1981-83), she saw the importance of primary health care and community involvement in empowering people. In 1985, she worked at Balaka leprosy hospital in Malawi. In 1986-87 she was a community worker with the elderly in Salford. From 1988, her work focused on Zambia. She became a Buddhist, adopting the name Dhammika.

For many years she was projects officer for the International Buddhist Relief Organisation (IBRO), and in 1998 she met my [former] husband, Dharmavidya David Brazier, a priest from the Pureland tradition, took vows with him and became a member of the Order of Amida Buddha. In 2004 she received a further ordination, becoming a chaplain in the order. She conducted marriages and funerals, and offered spiritual counselling, education and support to Zambians. IBRO and the Amida Trust, a UK-based Buddhist charity, supported her.

Amrita's Buddhism took particular shape in an intense concern for animals. She campaigned for vegetarianism, cared for animals wherever she went and was not averse to sharing her living accommodation with baboons or other rescued creatures. She was a walking example of kindness and harmony between species.

In 1993 she started the first rural self-help group for HIV-positive people in Zambia. Three years later, she set up a free nursery school in Dar-es-Salaam, and worked to help Aids victims in Thailand. Her other activities included projects to create bore holes in rural areas of Africa, the conducting of immunisation, dental, eye care, family planning and health information campaigns, and improvements in nutrition, sanitation and education. In 2001, Manchester University awarded her its John Owens award for work in Africa. Following the tsunami of December 2004, she travelled with a Muslim friend to northern Sri Lanka to help Hindu victims in a demonstration of inter-faith solidarity.

She is survived by her husband John Edwards, whose Buddhist name is Sudana, and her adopted daughter Perry.

:: link

David Brazier [Dharmavidya] wrote: 

We, here at The Buddhist House, have just been communicating via Skype with our friends in Zambia. The funeral of Reverend Amrita Dhammika took place yesterday morning. She was buried with full ceremony. For two nights prior to the ceremony there was dancing around her coffin and lamentation. The ceremonial which took several hours was a mix of Buddhist and local custom. Sr Modgala and Willemien Hoogendoorn took a central role in the proceedings which were appropriate in all respects. Well over one thousand people attended. Amrita was dressed in her Ngoni costume and her Buddhist robe when her body was laid to rest. The inspiration that Amrita has given to the people of this afflicted part of Africa is immense. She was an indefatigable worker for compassion to all sentient beings - a true bodhisattva - and she gave her life for them.

*It now seems that the cause of death was in fact malaria rather than asthma as originally reported.

 

We, here at The Buddhist House, have just been communicating via Skype with our friends in Zambia. The funeral of Reverend Amrita Dhammika took place yesterday morning. She was buried with full ceremony. For two nights prior to the ceremony there was dancing around her coffin and lamentation. The ceremonial which took several hours was a mix of Buddhist and local custom. Sr Modgala and Willemien Hoogendoorn took a central role in the proceedings which were appropriate in all respects. Well over one thousand people attended. Amrita was dressed in her Ngoni costume and her Buddhist robe when her body was laid to rest. The inspiration that Amrita has given to the people of this afflicted part of Africa is immense. She was an indefatigable worker for compassion to all sentient beings - a true bodhisattva - and she gave her life for them.

*It now seems that the cause of death was in fact malaria rather than asthma as originally reported.

 

spiritual bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality.

 

Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one’s negativity or shadow elements, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.

 

The explosion of interest in spirituality, especially Eastern spirituality, since the mid-1960s has been accompanied by a corresponding interest and immersion in spiritual bypassing—which has, however, not very often been named, let alone viewed, as such. It has been easier to frame spiritual bypassing as a religion-transcending, spiritually advanced practice/perspective, especially in the facile fast-food spirituality that infects our times. Many of the features of this, such as its drive-through servings of reheated wisdom like “Don’t take it personally” or “Whatever bothers you about someone is really only about you” or “It’s all just an illusion,” are available for consumption and parroting by just about anyone.

 

you are already accepted

In accepting yourself, you’re simply agreeing to the fact that you are already accepted by the entire universe, just as you are.

~ Ruben L. F. Habito, “Be Still & Know”

Forgiveness is not a concept. It’s a process

Forgiveness is not a concept. It’s a process. And, if you choose not to forgive at the end of that process, it doesn’t mean that you are unhealed. It doesn’t mean that you are a lesser human. It doesn’t mean you are not spiritual or evolved. It doesn’t mean you will come back in the next lifetime to live it out again. It may just mean that forgiveness is not actually in your integrity. The assumption that forgiving the abuser is the benchmark of a completed emotional and karmic process is the mistake. The real benchmark of resolution is whether you have gone through your emotional process authentically and have arrived at a place where the negative charge around the experience has dissipated. Perhaps you will learn some lessons, or perhaps you will eventually be legitimately liberated from the memories. Perhaps you will work it through so completely that you have very little energetic charge around the events. Or perhaps you will actually realize that forgiveness is not essential to your healing, and not your responsibility. The point is that focusing on our responsibility to forgive a wrongdoer sidetracks the whole process. Your sole responsibility is to arrive at whatever destination is true to you.

~ Jeff Brown

Encoded in the darkness is the revelation of the light

Encoded in the darkness is the revelation of the light. Seeing darkness is a form of illumination. As Jung reminds us, we become enlightened by making the darkness conscious. Protecting the abuser, though seemingly in the service of the powers of darkness, is, paradoxically, at the same time potentially revealing the darkness, and hence ultimately an expression of the light. It is as if the light needs the darkness in order to reveal itself, for not only is the darkness revealed through the light, but the light is revealing itself through the darkness.

~ Paul Levy, 'Dispelling Wetiko'

Honen’s “One-Page Document”

Honen’s “One-Page Document”:

On January 23, 1212, just two days before his death, Honen, the founder of Japanese Pure Land Buddhism, was asked by his disciple Genchi to provide a record of his essential teaching. The result was the Ichimai-kishomon, or “One-Page Document.”

What does it say? 

It says to recite the nembutsu and believe in the Pure Land — that is all. That is why in Japan it has been called “easy practice.” “Easy” because, unlike “hard practices” such as Zen, it can be done without prior study. Easy because it can be performed by anyone, anywhere, at any time. But then, things aren’t always what they seem.

In reality, “hard practice” is easy; “easy practice” is hard.

Think of it this way: It is not so difficult to believe that, with many years of meditation practice, you might eventually become enlightened — if only somewhat. In theory at least, it makes a kind of sense. After all, “You get what you pay for.” Thus, “hard practice” is easy. It is easy because you can believe in it. Easy because you can justify it with the same cause-and-effect logic you apply to the world.

overcoming codependency: breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beattie

:: link

From a young age, I felt insecure in my own skin. I was a highly sensitive child and, subsequently, struggled with low self-worth for most of my life.

Although I had many friends and a good family, I consistently looked for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representations of my core worth.

As a teenager, I witnessed the crumbling and eventual demise of my parents’ marriage. During these years, I felt a lot like an island.

I was often plagued with a dark, mysterious unhappiness. The standard teenage growing pains conglomerated with the trauma of losing my familial identity. In a desperate attempt to counter these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others; when it was not provided, I felt like a failure.

I was caught up in vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that I was good enough.

At school, I adopted the role of boy-crazy-funny-girl. I wanted to be adored and nurtured and cherished.

I kept a list of all the cute boys at my school and spent hours daydreaming about a blissful, fairy tale love.

I consistently focused on seeking happiness outside of myself. This habitual practice, over time, led to an inability to be content unless something or someone was providing validation. Most of the time, I felt like I was not good enough.

This falsely instilled belief led me into a decade-long struggle with codependency.

The first codependent relationship I was involved in began when I was nineteen. He was ten years older than I was, and, unbeknownst to me at the time, a cocaine addict.

there was truth and there was untruth

“Being in a minority, even in a minority of one, did not make you mad. Tthere was truth and there was untruth, and if you clung to the truth even against the whole world, you were not mad.”

~ George Orwell